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  • Mentally Girding Up To Get Groped

    Posted on November 14th, 2010 Brian No comments

    I’m on a bus to the airport at the moment, and I’ve been reading plenty about the new security scanners at the airport. I have been subjected to them in the past, but I have since been vowing to opt-out of them if I were selected to go through them.

    But the TSA really, really wants us to go through them. After spending hundreds of millions of dollars on a technology with marginal gains, they had better use them! So to *ahem* “encourage” folks to not opt-out, they have instituted a new We’re-Gonna-Feel-You-Up policy. That is, if you opt out of the insane invasion of privacy the scanners represent, of if you don’t want a picture of your naked body stored by some nameless agent (as has happened in several cases where operators have intentionally or unintentionally stored the near-naked pictures of passengers’ bodies despite assurances that such a thing could never, ever happen), then you will be subjected to the most humiliating, groin-rubbing, feel-coppin’ pat-down they can muster as a punishment.

    That’s what passes for security in our airports now. I have to choose between a naked body-scan or some guy rubbing my penis to make sure it isn’t a bomb. And Osama bin Whoseitsfuck is laughing his ass off.

    UPDATE: Well, I didn’t get groped because there were no full-body scanners at the security station I went through. They did take my razor, though, so now I can’t shave. They’re 3/10 on finding them, though, so I’ll keep trying.

    Location:I-294 N


    2 responses to “Mentally Girding Up To Get Groped” RSS icon

    • I went through the same thing a couple of weeks ago. I stressed the whole way to the airport about getting felt up (because I was NOT doing the scanner) and then didn’t have to. The two choices aren’t so great, are they?

    • Several thoughts.

      If the airline affords you an opportunity to legally flash someone via one of their electrical scanners, shove a John Holmes replica dildo down your pants and go through the scanner grinning, winking, and pointing at your junk with a phone number and “CALL ME” written on your chest in marker.

      Or if you’re enjoying the airline’s complimentary molestations, supplement the experience with a lot of “oh yeah… right there”, “more”, and “harder.” End it with a wink and a “you missed a spot…” Or just fake an orgasm.

      Not sure if that will help your overall traveling experience, but it’ll make one hell of a story.

      Why is airport security so devoid of logic and reason? Or do they not care that much about effectiveness; is the illusion of safety the product the airlines is selling since they know that 99% of travelers can’t tell the difference between good security and bad security?