What I Now Know

I learned a lot today, courtesy of the gentleman sitting in front of me, talking on the phone. Now:

1. I know that your name is Michael.
2. I know you work as a sales team leader for a group selling parts of some sort to various retailers.
3. I know you have a large backlog of calls you are trying to get your team to work through.
4. I know your team isn’t very reliable: One of them lost a bunch of spare parts in his van.
5. Especially Ahkmed. I know that his shift started at nine o’clock, and his last call was at three-thirty. If his shift ended at five-thirty, he wasn’t just eating lunch during that time. What’s with all the wasted time?
6. I know that one of your underlings is just okay. As you put it, “He’s not a barnburner in terms of call volume.”
7. Right about now, I know that you’re probably finishing up a performance review meeting with somebody, and walking out of the Woodridge Library. How’d that go?
8. I know that the joke, “It’s twelve o’clock by my ‘Microsoft watch,’” is not funny.
9. I also know that explaining the joke to the person on the other end of the phone doesn’t make it any funnier.
10. I know that Charles is staying at the Best Western in Pentagon City.
11. I know that Charles’ phone number is +1 407.694.XXXX.
12. I know that Charles does not have Prince Albert in a can. I also know that he is in no mood to go catch his refrigerator.

And thanks to you, every other goddamn person in the coffee shop knows these very same things! Perhaps next time you might consider talking a bit more quietly.

(Certain information has been withheld intentionally.)